DATING ABUSE: EARLY WARNING SIGNS

There are often signs of an imbalance of power in relationships that are overlooked and lead to more serious abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse are very often minimised by people (i.e. “He’s not abusive … he doesn’t hit me.”) But remember, abuse gets worse with time. If any of these indicators are present in relationships, it is crucial that each partner gets help before it gets worse.

• Jealousy & Possessiveness: Although jealousy is a common experience for new people in a relationship, it becomes a warning sign when someone treats you as if you are a belonging and does not want you to share your time or give your attention to anyone else. Frequent accusations of infidelity are a strong warning sign. Jealousy is often rationalized by saying it is a sight of love, but is actually a sign of insecurity and distrust, and shows a need to feel in control.
• Controlling Attitude: One partner rules the relationships making all the decision and disregards the other’s point of view. This includes telling the other how to dress, who they can talk to, when and who they can socialize with.
• Alcohol & Drug Abuse: Alcohol and drug use reduce a person’s self-control, and are often used as an excuse for abusive behaviour, but are not the cause of violence.
• Explosive Temper: This includes sudden, unpredictable mood swings; easily upset by small annoyances; using violence to solve problems (getting into fights, hitting walls, or threatening violence)
• Blaming & Justifying: Denying responsibility for faults by shifting the responsibility to someone / something else or explaining the behaviour as necessary and unavoidable. Makes excuses when confronted
• Lying: includes saying untrue things, leaving out parts of the truth, or pretending to agree when they don’t. Lying is used to maintain control over information, to confuse and to make a fool f the other person. This can make you feel uncertain, confused and even crazy.
• Any Use of Force: Forcing someone to stay in a car, room or house; restraining someone by their arm or holding them down. Often justified by saying it is a sign of love and commitment.
• Isolation: Discouraging your relationships with friends and family by saying negative things about them or trying to convince you they don’t like you.

SIGNS OF ABUSE

This list identifies a series of behaviours typically demonstrated by batterers and abusive people. All of these forms of abuse – psychological, economic and physical – come from the batterer’s desire for power and control. These may help you recognize if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship. The more behaviours that are present in their relationship, the more dangerous the situation may be.

Emotional and Economic Attacks

• Destructive Criticism/Verbal Abuse: Name-calling, mocking, accusing, blaming, yelling, swearing, making humiliating remarks or gestures
• Pressure Tactics: rushing you to make decisions through “guilt-tripping” and other forms of intimidating, sulking, threatening to withhold money, manipulating the children, telling you what to do
• Abusing Authority: Always claiming to be right (insisting statements are “the truth”), telling you what to do, making big decisions without consultation
• Disrespect: Interrupting, changing topics, not listening or responding, twisting your words, putting you down in front of other people, saying bad things about your friends and family
• Abusing Trust: Lying, withholding information, cheating on you, being overly jealous
• Breaking Promises: Not following through on agreements, not taking a fair share of responsibility, refusing to help with childcare or housework
• Emotional Withholding: Not expressing feelings; not giving support, attention or compliments; not respecting feelings, rights or opinions
• Minimizing, Denying & Blaming: Making light of behaviour and not taking your concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour, saying you caused it
• Economic Control: Interfering with your work or not letting you work, refusing to give you money or taking your money, taking your keys or preventing you from using the car, threatening to report you to social service agencies
• Self-destructive Behaviour: Abusing drugs or alcohol, threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm, deliberately saying or doing things that will have negative consequences
• Isolation: Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives, monitoring your phone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go
• Harassment: Making uninvited visits or calls, following you, checking up on you, embarrassing you in public, refusing to leave when asked

Acts of Violence

• Intimidation: Making angry or threatening gestures, use of physical size to intimidate, standing in doorway during arguments, out shouting you, driving recklessly
• Destruction: Destroying your possessions, punching walls, throwing and or breaking things
• Threats: Making and or carrying out threats to hurt you or others
• Sexual Violence: Degrading treatment based on your sex or sexual orientation, using force or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts
• Physical Violence: Being violent to you, your children, pets or others; slapping, punching, grabbing, kicking, choking, pushing, biting, burning, stabbing, etc
• Weapons: Use of weapons, keeping weapons around which frighten you, threatening or attempting to kiss you or those you love
  
  
  Botswana resources for support and counseling:
  Kagisano Society Women’s Shelter Project in Gaborone 3907659 or in Molepolole 5921404