Guide For Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault

Sexual assault can happen to anyone. It can be very difficult and overwhelming to hear that someone you care about has been sexually assaulted. At times like these, it is often hard to know how to act or what to say. The most important thing you can do is help the survivor feel safe and supported.

Every person responds differently to sexual assault. Frequent responses include feelings of fear, distress, humiliation, anger, confusion, numbness, and guilt. It is important that the survivor be allowed to experience and process through these feelings without the fear of having them invalidated or dismissed.

Basic Survivor Support

1. First and most importantly, believe them when they confide in you. Do not place blame on them for the sexual assault (there is NOTHING they could have done to deserve or cause what happened to them) and don’t pressure them to talk. It is better to go slowly and let them set the pace. Focus on the survivor’s needs, and remember that every person’s healing process is unique.
2. Check and make sure they are not in any serious danger or displaying suicidal behaviours. If they are in danger or considering suicide, help them create a plan to be safe. This might include notifying police or family, staying with them, or helping them change to an anonymous location.
3. Check on the survivor’s health and if necessary help them seek medical attention.
4. As long as immediate safety and healthcare are not issues, restore choices. In order for you to help facilitate healing for someone who had choice taken from them by the attacker, you have to give them choices in every instance you can. It can be small things like, “would you like to sit on the couch or in the dinging room?” Or, it can mean restoring choice in big decisions like, “do you want to report to the police or go to the hospital?” Open-ended questions such as, “What do you want to do?” can be overwhelming so try to give specific options.
5. When you discuss options with the survivor you may need some extra support from an advocate or counsellor. Make sure the survivor gets the professional care and support they may need. Counselling can be very helpful in assisting with the healing process of coping with sexual assault.
6. One option may be to contact the police. It is important to know that reporting a sexual assault crime is often a very difficult, long and painful process for survivors. It is not an appropriate option for everyone but a trained advocate can help you both navigate through your friend’s options.
7. Take care of yourself. When you are supporting a survivor, you need to make sure the focus is on them and not on you. Taking care of yourself might include talking with an advocate or a counsellor. The more emotional clarity and strength you have when you are the survivor, the better you will be able to support them.

Key Phrases to Use When Talking about the Sexual Assault

• I’m so glad you told me.
• I am here for you. You can tell me as much or as little as you need right now.
• Regardless of _________( how you were dressed, how much you drank, if you were flirting, etc), no one deserves to be raped.
• Whatever you did to survive the situation was the right thing to do.
• That must have been very disturbing / scary / confusing / uncomfortable / frightening.
• You are not crazy. You are reacting normally to a very difficult and scary situation.

DO:

• Listen and try to understand. Reassure them that they have you love and support.
• Help the survivor distinguish between “if only” and “guilt.” It is common for survivors to blame themselves for what happened. Reassure them that is was not their fault and that the only person responsible is the perpetrator.
• Don’t take it personally if they did not tell you right away. They may have been scared of your reaction, felt shame or embarrassment, or tried to protect you. It is very common for survivors to wait before sharing with people they care about.
• Give control to the survivor. This means allowing them to speak for themselves unless they specifically what you to. Sexual assault is a crime that takes away an individuals’ power. It makes them feel invaded, changed, and out of control. It is crucial for survivors to be able to make their own decisions in order to regain power over their own lives.
• Encourage them to see themselves as a strong and courageous survivor who is reclaiming their own life.

DON’T:

• Criticize the survivor for being where they were, not resisting more, etc. The only person who is responsible fore the sexual assault is the perpetrator. Everyone has the basic human right to be free from threat, harassment or attack. Whatever they did to survivor the situation was the right thing to do.
• Over simplify what happened by saying it wasn’t that bad or that they should forget about it. Let them say exactly how they feel.
• Sympathize with the abuser. The survivor needs your absolute support.